I would sell my soul if it meant I could move away from home, preferably to Brooklyn, have an apartment with my best friends, be in an affordable graduate Psych program, have all my student loans disappear, and be making a reasonable income.

Move to Brooklyn? - Can't afford it. Have no reason to live there.
An affordable Psych program? - Only at SUNY schools aka Stony Brook, which would mean I'd still live at home (and affordable just means it will do the least damage to my already massive student debt).
....Psych programs in Brooklyn? - Not a clinical program in the city for anything less that 30,000 a year (x5 years for a PhD program is enough to make me throw up).
Disappearing student loans? - Not until I'm done paying them off in what will probably be 2050.

Don't mistake this for pessimism. This is all fact. I'm doing pretty well at keeping my mind in the PRESENT and living life despite how often all of this leaks into my consciousness though. You never know what the future holds! All I can do is focus on what I want and make decisions to move me towards it.

i am living at home and going to stony brook, which means i'm attending my third college orientation on tuesday. i have to register for classes, organize my schedule, figure out a work schedule, and buy a car. i can't wait to have a car, but it's proving to be just as challenging as i anticipated. i am the happiest i've been in probably two years, despite the fact that almost nothing is going how i'd like it to. i do, however, still have a lot of work to do.

my goals for 2010 are:
- travel somewhere - ideally this means visiting malora in london over spring break, but this is only going to happen if my finances allow it
- get in serious shape - this means changing my lifestyle... dad has promised a gym membership, which he still hasn't followed through with, but as soon as that card is in my hand its becoming part of my schedule... permanently. i want to be comfortable as myself every day and i miss feeling good after exercise.
-get involved in school and with my major. this means getting a really awesome research assistant job. hopefully that guy emails me back.
-become financially comfortable. this means organizing my money (savings, spending money, etc) and establishing a good budget while still being able to do and have things i want.

while i'm alive, i'll feel alive
and what's next?
i guess i'll know when i've
gotten there

the thing we need is never all that hard to find

big (exciting) changes

and a new, livelier ally coming soon.

i shouldn't be going to nyu this isn't right

I have never known anyone who gives as much meaning to the expression "I am my own worst enemy" than myself. My dad even pointed out the other day that I have clearly defined expectations of people and situations and when they are violated, I react very strongly. I mean, in my own defense, I hold myself to these very same expectations (and they are very high). But why can't I realize that even I struggle to please myself. How can I expect other people to live up to the same expectations that I constantly struggle to reach myself? And I will say, I react just as strongly when I fail to meet my own standards as I do when others violate my expectations. It's just different because it's all on the inside. It's not some harsh comment or a week of complaining, it's an ongoing inner struggle. I'm always thinking of the reasons why something isn't good enough, and never appreciating it for what it is; I never, EVER see the cup half full. I look at my bank account and calculate how much money I've spent, not how much I've saved. I dwell the grades that could have been better instead of being proud of the As. I think this is the reason for so much of my unhappiness. I don't mean to say that I am unhappy, but I waste far too much time worrying and not nearly enough doing what I want to do and loving the time I have to do it. It's like I'm happy for five minutes, and then once that's over I'm back to trying to predict the future and direct reality towards the most desirable outcome (this is a fruitless endeavor). It is what it is. I'm never going to be able to control the outcome of a situation. I don't have that power. So instead of focusing so much on what I WANT to happen, I need to live while I can, do whatever I want to do, and deal with the outcome when it happens. Most of the time when my expectations are violated, it's not even a big deal. Hell, sometimes it even works out to my advantage, but I am so busy focusing on my lack of control and disappointment that I don't see it until it's too late. I'm always fucking replaying the past or worrying about the future. I'm done living like that. It has never brought about any positive outcome, and it never will.

I'm never going to learn to love and live my life until I bring myself back into the present.

happiness not real unless shared