On the car ride home I realized that I used to be one of those people who ignored the bad in things. Now I'm one of those people who ignores the good. I don't wanna fucking be either one. 

Also I related to those two movies so much its ridiculous. Despite their humor, Role Models and Zack and Miri have cute stories. 

And seeing that girl today was one of the shittiest things that has happened in a really long time... and it IS a big deal. It sucked. Things that suck for me and make me upset ARE a big deal. 

aesldcjkf;aewdklcjsfvm,s;ldckgjv my brain is nonstop and even if i can keep my feelings in check better my brain still doesn't stop and i just want A BREAK

Remember when you made me that nice CD?

I am so back and forth it's retarded. 

I think it really sucks that I don't want to talk to my friends about my present "romantic situation" (for lack of a better term) because I just feel like they will get mad, or judge me, or judge the situation, or talk shit, or repeat some biased version of whatever I say. That doesn't really apply to everyone, but it does to some. It's not really about "caring what other people think." It's about caring what my friends think and expecting them to know better than to just pass some stupid judgement. Oh well. 

But then again maybe they are right. I guess someone will be proved wrong in time. 

On another note, I feel like I have completely emerged from the sadness cave. No major changes have occurred in my life, other than my dawgie dying (RIP Tucker :[... ), but I feel great nonetheless. I'm finally no longer living for the future, but instead for the present. I can enjoy every day and find peace in my time alone. 

The cold air is absolutely terrible but the smell of winter and the holiday season make it somewhat bearable. I have an entire different appreciation for hot coffee in the winter time... especially with French Vanilla creamer. I am looking forward to making Thanksgiving dinner and sangria at Pratt on Saturday. I am looking forward to going home on Tuesday and spending (a little) time with my favorite friends. I am not looking forward to the 5 page paper, 500-word spanish composition, and extra credit presentation I need to completely before that. 

Speaking of the cold air, I need boots and a winter jacket. This coat isn't cutting it. 

Monday: 

12:30-1:45 - Personality Lecture

2:00-3:15 - Spanish

4:55-6:10 - Perception Lecture

Tuesday:

12:30-1:45 - Developmental Theory & Human Motivation

2:00-3:15 - Spanish

Wednesday:

11:00-12:15 - Personality Recitation

12:30-1:45 - Personality Lecture

3:30-4:45 - Perception Recitation

4:55-6:10 - Perception Lecture

Thursday:

(Same as Tuesday)

Friday:

No Class :)

I'm so pleased with my schedule for next semester. 

At approximately 1:15 am, I walked downstairs for ONE MINUTE. When I left, the bolt for the door was opened so the door couldn't close, and therefore, it couldn't lock, so I didn't bring my keys. When I returned a fucking MINUTE LATER, my roommate was gone, and she locked the door. Great. Apparently, they only do lockouts at 12, 2, 4, and 6. So I slammed on the door for the next 45 minutes and waited, and at 2 I went downstairs, paid 20 dollars, and got let back into my room. At 2:04 my roommate just walked into the room.

What the fuck. 

In early July I felt like I slipped down into a deep, dark, uncomfortable cave. I felt like I couldn't see out of it, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not climb back out. Sometimes I would start to make my way out, but the smallest little thing would send me sliding right back down to the bottom. For the first time today, I feel like I actually am stepping out of it. There's no longer this dark, sad feeling weighing me down. I no longer fear being alone. I don't fear the future (as much), and I'm excited. I'm excited to see what happens. I'm excited about my major and the career path that I am shaping. I'm excited to go abroad next year and see a whole new world. Not much has changed, but I feel differently. It doesn't hurt to miss you anymore. It's a nice feeling now. Our situation hasn't changed... at all, but there are little things that remind me that, at the same time, it's changing a lot. Things are looking up for the first time in so long. I am able to find the good as opposed to the bad, and I just finally feel like I'm the "high school Ally" again. LJ said that to me the other day, and it was like a giant reality check. I was being a weirdo and she was like "this is like high school Ally again." I want to be happy and goofy and silly and understanding and carefree. I'm letting go of the cynicism and the negativity and the worry. I've never been like this, and I refuse to stay like this any longer. I finally feel strong enough to decide to change. It's a choice, you know, and I finally am in the position to make that choice and stick to it. 

This weekend it's just Laura and I, and, for whatever reason, I'm really looking forward to it. 

Edit: 

I feel productive. I slept late, showered, went to class, got my fav coffee, came back, caught up on spanish homework, cleaned my room, and cleaned all the dishes in the sink. My dad is giving me a few dollaz to go get food and shaving cream and coffee for the french press my mom sent me because I have no moniez. Laura's coming over after she's done at the museum. Lalalalalala

apparently life is a battle. every little thing is a challenge. some are more difficult than others. some leave deeper scars than others, but either way, every morning, every day, every night, every week, every month, and every year we are challenged. we're all still here, though, aren't we? we all fear and fight death to stay here, on earth, facing every new challenge. so obviously there is more good than bad. i guess the trick is to find happiness in nothing... in getting free Monster on the way to class, or in a funny text, or looking forward to gossip girl at 8 pm. gossip girl got me through my day today (sadly). for whatever reason, i love the show, and it helped me through my whole day. thinking about getting a deeelicious, warm Mud coffee on the way to class gets me out of bed early in the morning. lunch with my dad and maybe going home for a night on friday will get me through my week. the thought of being with all my best friends thanksgiving break will get me through the next two weeks. whatever it is that makes you happy, find it! make a big deal out of nothing! stop caring what everyone else thinks and be happy. life is way too short and unpredictable to wait until tomorrow to do what makes you happy.

every day when i walk home from class i see so many people and i wonder what their story is. i look at the homeless men on the sidewalk and the couples holding hands and the business women in skirts and heels and the happy girl behind the counter in the asian convenience store and the girl who sells me coffee and girl yelling into her cell phone and the kid carrying his film equipment and the young children on the way home from school and the girl on her sidekick and the public safety men where i sign joey and lj in and the kid screaming in the car window at the man who just hit his friend on his skateboard and the man who sells me nose rings and i wonder if they are happy. i wonder how they got where they are. i wonder if they are looking forward to something or if they are worried about something or where they are going. how did the old man end up homeless and living on astor? does the business woman like her job? how did she end up with the job she has? is the couple holding hands happy? are they married? engaged? are they in love? do they fight a lot? are they about to break up? is one of them hiding something from the other? what is their story? how did the girl who sells me coffee get the job on the mud truck? does she have class later? does she live on her own? every single person has their own life, and it's strange that any day two of these lives can intersect and be changed forever. it's even stranger that these people have gotten to where they are through many different cross roads and by finding themselves at intersections with so many other people. does the man who sells me nose rings and argues with kids over the price of a scarf make enough money to support his family? everyone has a story. i don't know if this makes me nosy or curious or compassionate but i do it. and i like doing it. maybe it makes me perfect for the future i'm pursing. i don't just wonder about these people's lives. sometimes i wonder if i could ever make it better. i wonder if i could be their friend or if they could be my friend. there are so many different paths, especially in a city like new york, and you never know what could happen when two paths cross.