ally

In early July I felt like I slipped down into a deep, dark, uncomfortable cave. I felt like I couldn't see out of it, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not climb back out. Sometimes I would start to make my way out, but the smallest little thing would send me sliding right back down to the bottom. For the first time today, I feel like I actually am stepping out of it. There's no longer this dark, sad feeling weighing me down. I no longer fear being alone. I don't fear the future (as much), and I'm excited. I'm excited to see what happens. I'm excited about my major and the career path that I am shaping. I'm excited to go abroad next year and see a whole new world. Not much has changed, but I feel differently. It doesn't hurt to miss you anymore. It's a nice feeling now. Our situation hasn't changed... at all, but there are little things that remind me that, at the same time, it's changing a lot. Things are looking up for the first time in so long. I am able to find the good as opposed to the bad, and I just finally feel like I'm the "high school Ally" again. LJ said that to me the other day, and it was like a giant reality check. I was being a weirdo and she was like "this is like high school Ally again." I want to be happy and goofy and silly and understanding and carefree. I'm letting go of the cynicism and the negativity and the worry. I've never been like this, and I refuse to stay like this any longer. I finally feel strong enough to decide to change. It's a choice, you know, and I finally am in the position to make that choice and stick to it. 

This weekend it's just Laura and I, and, for whatever reason, I'm really looking forward to it. 

Edit: 

I feel productive. I slept late, showered, went to class, got my fav coffee, came back, caught up on spanish homework, cleaned my room, and cleaned all the dishes in the sink. My dad is giving me a few dollaz to go get food and shaving cream and coffee for the french press my mom sent me because I have no moniez. Laura's coming over after she's done at the museum. Lalalalalala