i am so fully aware of everything going on around me to the point that its making me crazy. maybe i should learn to like smoking pot.

to do:
1. return to yoga after the last week of feeling a little sickly
2. rely on no one but myself for happiness
3. return to my old philosophy of loving everyone despite their flaws, i was always happier being friends with everyone instead of hating everyone
4. stop planning every day, week, month in advance
5. stop worrying altogether
6. stop giving a shit what anyone thinks
7. do something drastic

i'd like to get better cause thinking like this is torture!!

i'm so embarrassed of who i have been for the last year

you probably are right... most of my emotions are pretty extreme... i'm either ecstatic and elated and so in love with something or i hate it, can't stand it, despise it. it can be a bad a thing but i usually don't see it like that. i mean i'm trying to make myself realize that most things aren't worth getting so upset over and most of the time it isn't worth all of the negative energy to truly HATE something or someone, and it's easier to just go with the flow, but in terms of being passionate about things, i don't really think it's not a bad thing... and i don't do well with indifference. i like to know when people are happy and excited for something. i like when people demonstrate their affection. i really like notes and letters and pictures and random acts of kindness and i truly appreciate the small things. i like going out to breakfast and i like laying for hours with people who i care about just enjoying their company. i like the nights when i'm with my close friends drinking coffee and just talking. the parties are obviously so fun too, but they are different. 

but the point is when i invest myself in something i really invest it... 100%. i don't give half my effort to something. i try to give the best of myself to my jobs, to school, to my friendships, and to my relationships. i can be very sentimental and romantic and quite a dreamer. it can be dumb and unrealistic and pointless but its who i am and what i do.

i don't know. 

I think it's really awesome that Smithtown is becoming the heroin capitol of LI.  I look forward to discovering the next person who has decided to pick up the habit each and every day. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO SERIOUSLY STOP

this song is soo appropriate

oh baby, baby please 

i feel an urgent need to apologize.

i did a terrible thing in a terrible dream

and now i can't look you in the eye.

it started:

we were out on a date, and you turned and said "i gotta tell you something odd.

i know i said we'd get married, but i'm already married,"

and that's when you laughed so hard.

so i turned and swung,

i woke in a shock,

nails digging blood from the base of my palms.

its just that people are so fickle,

they fall in love at different angles,

and really i could lose you just as quickly as i've gotten you.

and that's the kind of thought that makes me nervous,

i'm worried if you'll really think i'm worth it

when the rush wears off and you're left with this busted person.

but if you tell me you will, i will do what i can to believe it.

so baby,

all these things that i've seen last night while asleep,

this morning they're messing with me,

and now i'm anxious as hell and looking for help;

something pleasant and painless,

some story to tell

with a through-line of calm that can stop me from being myself.

'cause all i think is how i want to be your fever

just to know i make you heated,

'cause i worry you might see me more like a blanket 

whose there for comfort and for cover

from the glare of former lovers,

all that passion that kissed you and bit you til you were devoured,

and i'd like to get better cause thinking like this is torture.

and if i can't stop it you'll get sick of bearing crosses,

and you'll jump to cut your losses.

you'll go get quarantined somewhere far from me

where it's much less dangerous.

but maybe if i wake up and quit dreaming

i can shake the shit i'm fearing

and maybe i can feel like i'm freaking out for no good reason.

i'll tell you what:

if there's a line i can cross, once i get there i'm not ever leaving. 

on a lighter note, i thought today was so awesome. me, joey, lj, and morgan went to trader joe's and got the ingredients for the best breakfast feast ever (which cost a fantastic 20$ total). we made whole wheat pancakes with raspberries, bananas, walnuts, and cinnamon and egg sandwiches with asiago cheese, chicken sausage, and these flawless whole wheat roll things. it was seriously the best breakfast i've ever eaten, and it was fun making it. i broke the no cheese rule but it was so worth it. 

:)

I'm emotionally needy. That's so fucking annoying.

I just submitted 3 applications for on-campus jobs. 

<3