Don't regret the done dirt, there is no life plan set!

I'd like to always be the bigger person, but I don't know if I am capable of that. 

I used to be able to see the big picture and everything around me and lately I just see through this tiny hole that focuses on negativity and fear. I have better control of my emotions and feelings to an extent but I feel like I'm constantly worrying or feeling guilty or paranoid. I feel much better than I did a few months ago, but I still have a lot of work to do. I want to just be. I feel like I notice everything- everyone's feelings, everyone's actions, everyone's mood, and it all affects me; I am so deeply affected by everything around me. I am far too analytical, and if I could just let this all go, I would be able to focus all that attention on such better things. I want to say what I want and feel how I want and be happy. I want to be effortlessly carefree and I want to face everything with a smile. I want to indulge myself in pleasure and fun and things that I love for the next few weeks while I'm home because I need a break from school and work and living for others. I want to be able to speak to someone without considering all possible reactions they could have beforehand. I want to just be and not worry about the consequences of every word I say or thing I do and take it as it comes. 

I really love my family and regret every year that I have spent taking them for granted. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by three sisters and two parents every single day and an entire parade of aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents who genuinely care.

i got home on the 19th and have basically been at work from 10 AM on the 20th until last night. i worked 46 hours for this woman in fucking 4 days, and she had the balls to tell me (at 4 on christmas eve when i had been there since 7 am and every single other person was leaving) that i was "stuck" there until 6 because nobody else was staying. meanwhile, her daughter was staying until 6 as well, and their family is jewish, so if she had any heart at all she'd realize that it's my fucking christmas eve and let me go. so i called my mom almost crying and my mom got really mad and i eventually asked my boss if i could leave at 5, and she said yeah but of course with this attitude that insinuated that i was inconveniencing her. then at 5, after busting my fucking ass for her for 9, almost 10 hours that day, i went in the cooler to get my arrangement that i had made. almost half of the people there took something home that day and not one person paid for it. lindsay gave her stuff to her sister to take home, sean left with this HUGE arrangement with so much chocolate and didn't pay a dollar, will left with an arrangement with lots of chocolate and didn't pay a dollar, and when i asked her what she wanted for it she told me 56 dollars. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. IT WAS FUCKING CHRISTMAS. I WoRKED 46 HOURS FOR HER IN THE LAST 4 DAYS AND BUSTED MY FUCKING ASS BECAUSE IT WAS CHAOS IN THAT PLACE. i will say thats like a 40% discount but EITHER WAY that is SO FUCKED UP. the day before thanksgiving lindsay took home the exact same arrangement that i had made and ilene gave it to her for free. i really have never been so offended in my life. theN the only money i had on me was 25$ and a 10 that this really nice guy gave to me and told me i did "a great job." (i tried to give it back but he refused) and i had to give her all of it and told her i'd owe her the rest, and she said OKAY... NOT EVEN DONT WORRY ABOUT IT. anyways, i got in the car and started like hysterically crying to my mom and my mom was going to get out of the car and freak out and i stopped her. then 5 seconds later she busted into edible arrangements and fucking like bitched out my boss. i am 19 years old. i do NOT need my mother getting in the middle of my shit. but i guess it was good that someone told ilene that shes a fucking bitch and its illegal to have people working 12 hour shifts without a break. i really find it hard to truly hate people, but i fucking hate ilene. she is a selfish, stupid, bitchy, condescending cunt, and i hope her store sinks and she has to live on the streets for the rest of her short, fat fucking life. 

basically i'm calling her later and telling her sorry for whatever my mother said to her, but i will not be coming back to work. (i'm scheduled to work tomorrow so she can have the day off so i hope she has fun peeling her fat ass out of bed to go into work) i'll get my $350 paycheck next thursday and it will be so awkward but i will never have to see her again after that. i will miss the people that i work with  though. 

I want a verb & you give me a noun.

1. Friday night I stayed at Pratt. Saturday morning I returned to my room at about 1:30 in the afternoon. I walked into my room and found my roommate (suitemate) in my bed with a dude.....WHAT THE FUCK? There are two rooms in my suite. I am alone in my room with a SPARE BED. The other room has 2 girls in it. I suppose she needed to fuck and her roommate was in her room, but what is wrong with his room? Or waiting until another night? Or I don't know... maybe using the SPARE BED that is located literally 24 inches from my bed and it isn't the bed in which I SLEEEP. Not to mention it was 1:30 in the afternoon and if I was the bitch secretly using my suitemate's bed I'd either a. fuck and leave or b. be out by 9 am (at the latest- both of them go to this school and have other beds to escape to in this building). And to top it all off, as I walked in she jumped out of the bed and was like "OH is it okay that we used your bed???"... as if there's anything she can do about it now. I wish I wasn't living with a fucking 16 year old.

2. I've been alone doing a lot of nothing for like 24 hours now. I wrote most of my paper thats due tomorrow and it's pretty decent. I went to Union Square and walked around the holiday fair and got coffee and wasted all my singles in my wallet on useless crap like "salty pretzel and dark chocolate cookies" and a bracelet. I'm bored as hell but feeling pretty peaceful so that's good.

3. I usually keep my iTunes on shuffle and before this RANDOM video that I didn't even know I had of John Mayer making the song In Repair came on. I watched it considering I had nothing better to do, and it was really cool. The song is about the beauty/"sad hope" as he calls it in being "on the way up" or in repair which is so appropriate for my life right now. It was nice.

4. I am so excited for winter break.

5. The omelette guy keeps putting these soggy, wet peppers in my omelettes and it makes them all water and its gross and I wish he would stop being such a lazy dick !

6. I'm considering going to Central Park right now. I'll probably be too lazy to get up and go but I hope I do. 

How the hell did I end up here ?  ? ? ? ? The last year of my life has been a big blur.

soo inconsistent

I want to know why I am so deeply moved when I watch... GOSSIP GIRL. So embarrassing but so true. Dawson's Creek is the only other TV show to ever actually affect my life like this one does. WHY !?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!? 

:) woweoiweoiweroiweoituwoeiruweoweowe only 27 more days until the new episode. i'm 12 years old..........

nostalgia lately is the certain shampoo that my roommate has that reminds me of villanova SO much because i guess someone i knew used it. it's getting starbucks iced coffee and feeling so much like it's summer. it's sitting at my old computer that i haven't used in at least 2 years and feeling like i'm a senior in high school all over again. it's the holiday season, which is when i got close with my best friends at villanova by doing secret santa and spending every night together.

why can't i make any new memories lately? i just wanna meet people and do something new.

I think that people, in general, tend live for one of a few different things. Some people live for their career and spend their lives working towards success. Others live for money and get shitty jobs but end up as millionaires. Others can't wait to get married and raise a family and maintain a household. Others live a life in service of others. And then there are people who live to find love. I'm not saying that people can't have more than one of these things, but I truly believe that people naturally rank one of these above all the others. I don't know what the hell in my life shaped me into a person who lives for love, but something did. I think that jobs and success and families and helping people are all fantastic, but I think the purest thing on this planet is one's relationship with someone else. There can be friendships and relationships and love without technology and materialism and cities and schools, and I think that's why I value it so much; it's not man-made. 

I have goals for my future and a strong drive to achieve them, but I know that no matter how successful I am in my work, I will not feel entirely successful without people to share it with. 

I think I'm making a (temporary?) switch from coffee to tea. I figure that I like the taste of unsweetened tea and its way better for you than coffee and has literally 0 calories. I wonder how long this will last. I also just had Cinnamon Toast Crunch with banana and it was so good.

I'm going to the Christmas tree lighting later. I love Christmas.