ally

I used to be able to see the big picture and everything around me and lately I just see through this tiny hole that focuses on negativity and fear. I have better control of my emotions and feelings to an extent but I feel like I'm constantly worrying or feeling guilty or paranoid. I feel much better than I did a few months ago, but I still have a lot of work to do. I want to just be. I feel like I notice everything- everyone's feelings, everyone's actions, everyone's mood, and it all affects me; I am so deeply affected by everything around me. I am far too analytical, and if I could just let this all go, I would be able to focus all that attention on such better things. I want to say what I want and feel how I want and be happy. I want to be effortlessly carefree and I want to face everything with a smile. I want to indulge myself in pleasure and fun and things that I love for the next few weeks while I'm home because I need a break from school and work and living for others. I want to be able to speak to someone without considering all possible reactions they could have beforehand. I want to just be and not worry about the consequences of every word I say or thing I do and take it as it comes. 

I really love my family and regret every year that I have spent taking them for granted. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by three sisters and two parents every single day and an entire parade of aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents who genuinely care.