ally

i have to ramble

when i try to think about why i am so insecure and upset and negative lately i think as far back as i can to a time when i can try to say it started and i remember both sitting at my computer and sitting on my couch feeling this numbing, paralyzing pain right after we broke up... a break up sucks and i now have a much greater respect for people who go through break ups after long-term relationships, but i should have never let it ruin almost 6 months of my life i should have kept my head up and strengthened my friendships and stayed happy i created a bad habit over those six months of seeking happiness in only one person and now that things are getting better and falling back into place that is really hurting me i miss my friendships and my happiness and my confidence and my positivity and i know that i need to regain that part of myself before i can ever even think about being in a healthy relationship i've always really hated when people are like "omg i want to just get away and go somewhere where i know no one" but i really, truly feel like that... like i don't want to leave everything i have behind i just need a change of scenery where i can grow back together and rediscover who i am on my own, without depending on anyone and then come back to where i am as a better version of myself... given that that isn't really possible right now, i guess this is going to be a little harder than expected... i guess my only plan is to go back to school, settle in, GET A JOB, concentrate on school work, see as many new things in new york city as possible, and meet as many new people as possible i really take my surroundings for granted at school i'm in possibly one of the most exciting cities in the world and i dont do anything about it i also want to start going to free yoga on st marks i will clear my mind and strengthen my body and feel so much better i've also been paying a lot of attention to food lately and what everything is made of and how it will affect my body and what i should and should not be feeding myself and i feel like once you really think about what is in food it becomes impossible to eat crap... the thought of putting fake, processed, man-made products into my body seems so wrong especially when there are so many better real alternatives... i don't know a little nerdy of me but part of being the better version of me not only requires mental reform but also physical reform