ally

Dear Roommate,
I can not stand living with you. I have tried for the last 6 or 7 weeks to find a way to like you... to find your redeeming qualities and to appreciate your quirks. I have found, however, that this is impossible. Every word you speak is for attention and I'm pretty sure my 14-year old sister has reached a maturity level worlds above you. You only love Jesus and God and the Bible because they are an excuse to keep you from being a huge slut because I know deep down you want to fuck everything that can walk. (It might be the cut out pictures of dudes with hearts around them hanging on your desk or the playboy bunny poster AND blanket that you own or your constant need to relate any topic back to sex that give this fact away...) BUT GUESS WHAT... abstinence isn't going to make God love you and make the royal gates to heaven open up to you because THAT IS A LOAD OF SHIT. And if it wasn't a load of shit, you still wouldn't be going to heaven because you are a fake, unappreciative little idiot. Your family doesn't have much money, as a lot of families don't, especially right now, and you are lucky enough to have received a huge scholarship to NYU -- a great school -- BUT APPARENTLY THAT MEANS NOTHING TO YOU. You told me that you have class 3 days a week at 9:30 and I haven't seen you get up before 11 in almost 3 weeks. WHAT THE FUCK? Also, if you have a class that you need to attend in order to keep your scholarship, YOU GO. You do not skip it for the first four weeks of school until your teacher calls you to "politely remind you" about the class. YOU FUCKING APPRECIATE AND CHERISH THE FACT THAT YOU ARE GOING TO THIS SCHOOL FOR FREE THAT THOUSANDS OF KIDS CANT AFFORD OR CAN'T GET INTO. Also, I can hear every single Britney Spears song that you play on your stupid fucking computer even though you're wearing headphones. I have no clue what volume you keep your shit on, but you need to turn it down... or stop wearing heaphones... because A. you're going to go deaf and B. that fact that you think that wearing headphones makes any difference at all drives me fucking crazy. Also, 45 minutes in the bathroom without the shower running is totally unnecessary. Lord knows what you're doing in there (because the Lord sees and knows all, of course) but its rude when you're living with 3 other people who like to pee and shower sometimes. Also, 45 minutes doing your makeup and another 45 minutes doing your hair is unnecessary when the finished product looks exactly the same as when you started. Don't talk to me in your baby voice anymore and don't ask me if I think that because you asked some kid you're obsessed with for a piece of paper that he now knows you're "into him." No... NO NO NO NO NO. You have a BEAUTIFUL singing voice so GET OFF YOUR COMPUTER, OUT OF THIS ROOM, AND INTO THE WORLD AND START GETTING NOTICED. STOP WASTING YOUR BRILLIANT TALENT. Stop burping and farting and gigging and trying to look cute and STOP telling me about the gross things you do like Febreezing socks instead of DOING YOUR LAUNDRY. I can't even talk to you like a normal human being because the only reason you talk is to hear yourself speak or to see how cute you can sound and it's impossible to have a conversation like that. Oh, and I heard you when you ran in the other room to tell Sloane that I was asleep? What's funny or great or entertaining about that? I fell asleep because I was tired, and for some reason it is a huge event? NO. STOP. She has a lot more tolerance for you than I do, but she does not think you're cute. And neither do her friends when you are lurking outside our door peering into their conversations trying to be noticed and get every ounce of attention possible. Now, I don't mean to sound so harsh. I really hope that you do accomplish all your dreams of becoming the next Britney Spears, or at least writing the songs for the next Britney Spears, because you really do have the talent (not the determination) to do so, but I pray for the poor fucking souls who have to accompany you on that journey because I can not even being to imagine the hell that you are going to put them through.
PEACE OUT,
ally