Don't regret the done dirt, there is no life plan set!

I'd like to always be the bigger person, but I don't know if I am capable of that. 

I used to be able to see the big picture and everything around me and lately I just see through this tiny hole that focuses on negativity and fear. I have better control of my emotions and feelings to an extent but I feel like I'm constantly worrying or feeling guilty or paranoid. I feel much better than I did a few months ago, but I still have a lot of work to do. I want to just be. I feel like I notice everything- everyone's feelings, everyone's actions, everyone's mood, and it all affects me; I am so deeply affected by everything around me. I am far too analytical, and if I could just let this all go, I would be able to focus all that attention on such better things. I want to say what I want and feel how I want and be happy. I want to be effortlessly carefree and I want to face everything with a smile. I want to indulge myself in pleasure and fun and things that I love for the next few weeks while I'm home because I need a break from school and work and living for others. I want to be able to speak to someone without considering all possible reactions they could have beforehand. I want to just be and not worry about the consequences of every word I say or thing I do and take it as it comes. 

I really love my family and regret every year that I have spent taking them for granted. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by three sisters and two parents every single day and an entire parade of aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents who genuinely care.

i got home on the 19th and have basically been at work from 10 AM on the 20th until last night. i worked 46 hours for this woman in fucking 4 days, and she had the balls to tell me (at 4 on christmas eve when i had been there since 7 am and every single other person was leaving) that i was "stuck" there until 6 because nobody else was staying. meanwhile, her daughter was staying until 6 as well, and their family is jewish, so if she had any heart at all she'd realize that it's my fucking christmas eve and let me go. so i called my mom almost crying and my mom got really mad and i eventually asked my boss if i could leave at 5, and she said yeah but of course with this attitude that insinuated that i was inconveniencing her. then at 5, after busting my fucking ass for her for 9, almost 10 hours that day, i went in the cooler to get my arrangement that i had made. almost half of the people there took something home that day and not one person paid for it. lindsay gave her stuff to her sister to take home, sean left with this HUGE arrangement with so much chocolate and didn't pay a dollar, will left with an arrangement with lots of chocolate and didn't pay a dollar, and when i asked her what she wanted for it she told me 56 dollars. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. IT WAS FUCKING CHRISTMAS. I WoRKED 46 HOURS FOR HER IN THE LAST 4 DAYS AND BUSTED MY FUCKING ASS BECAUSE IT WAS CHAOS IN THAT PLACE. i will say thats like a 40% discount but EITHER WAY that is SO FUCKED UP. the day before thanksgiving lindsay took home the exact same arrangement that i had made and ilene gave it to her for free. i really have never been so offended in my life. theN the only money i had on me was 25$ and a 10 that this really nice guy gave to me and told me i did "a great job." (i tried to give it back but he refused) and i had to give her all of it and told her i'd owe her the rest, and she said OKAY... NOT EVEN DONT WORRY ABOUT IT. anyways, i got in the car and started like hysterically crying to my mom and my mom was going to get out of the car and freak out and i stopped her. then 5 seconds later she busted into edible arrangements and fucking like bitched out my boss. i am 19 years old. i do NOT need my mother getting in the middle of my shit. but i guess it was good that someone told ilene that shes a fucking bitch and its illegal to have people working 12 hour shifts without a break. i really find it hard to truly hate people, but i fucking hate ilene. she is a selfish, stupid, bitchy, condescending cunt, and i hope her store sinks and she has to live on the streets for the rest of her short, fat fucking life. 

basically i'm calling her later and telling her sorry for whatever my mother said to her, but i will not be coming back to work. (i'm scheduled to work tomorrow so she can have the day off so i hope she has fun peeling her fat ass out of bed to go into work) i'll get my $350 paycheck next thursday and it will be so awkward but i will never have to see her again after that. i will miss the people that i work with  though. 

I want a verb & you give me a noun.

1. Friday night I stayed at Pratt. Saturday morning I returned to my room at about 1:30 in the afternoon. I walked into my room and found my roommate (suitemate) in my bed with a dude.....WHAT THE FUCK? There are two rooms in my suite. I am alone in my room with a SPARE BED. The other room has 2 girls in it. I suppose she needed to fuck and her roommate was in her room, but what is wrong with his room? Or waiting until another night? Or I don't know... maybe using the SPARE BED that is located literally 24 inches from my bed and it isn't the bed in which I SLEEEP. Not to mention it was 1:30 in the afternoon and if I was the bitch secretly using my suitemate's bed I'd either a. fuck and leave or b. be out by 9 am (at the latest- both of them go to this school and have other beds to escape to in this building). And to top it all off, as I walked in she jumped out of the bed and was like "OH is it okay that we used your bed???"... as if there's anything she can do about it now. I wish I wasn't living with a fucking 16 year old.

2. I've been alone doing a lot of nothing for like 24 hours now. I wrote most of my paper thats due tomorrow and it's pretty decent. I went to Union Square and walked around the holiday fair and got coffee and wasted all my singles in my wallet on useless crap like "salty pretzel and dark chocolate cookies" and a bracelet. I'm bored as hell but feeling pretty peaceful so that's good.

3. I usually keep my iTunes on shuffle and before this RANDOM video that I didn't even know I had of John Mayer making the song In Repair came on. I watched it considering I had nothing better to do, and it was really cool. The song is about the beauty/"sad hope" as he calls it in being "on the way up" or in repair which is so appropriate for my life right now. It was nice.

4. I am so excited for winter break.

5. The omelette guy keeps putting these soggy, wet peppers in my omelettes and it makes them all water and its gross and I wish he would stop being such a lazy dick !

6. I'm considering going to Central Park right now. I'll probably be too lazy to get up and go but I hope I do. 

How the hell did I end up here ?  ? ? ? ? The last year of my life has been a big blur.

soo inconsistent

I want to know why I am so deeply moved when I watch... GOSSIP GIRL. So embarrassing but so true. Dawson's Creek is the only other TV show to ever actually affect my life like this one does. WHY !?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!? 

:) woweoiweoiweroiweoituwoeiruweoweowe only 27 more days until the new episode. i'm 12 years old..........

nostalgia lately is the certain shampoo that my roommate has that reminds me of villanova SO much because i guess someone i knew used it. it's getting starbucks iced coffee and feeling so much like it's summer. it's sitting at my old computer that i haven't used in at least 2 years and feeling like i'm a senior in high school all over again. it's the holiday season, which is when i got close with my best friends at villanova by doing secret santa and spending every night together.

why can't i make any new memories lately? i just wanna meet people and do something new.

I think that people, in general, tend live for one of a few different things. Some people live for their career and spend their lives working towards success. Others live for money and get shitty jobs but end up as millionaires. Others can't wait to get married and raise a family and maintain a household. Others live a life in service of others. And then there are people who live to find love. I'm not saying that people can't have more than one of these things, but I truly believe that people naturally rank one of these above all the others. I don't know what the hell in my life shaped me into a person who lives for love, but something did. I think that jobs and success and families and helping people are all fantastic, but I think the purest thing on this planet is one's relationship with someone else. There can be friendships and relationships and love without technology and materialism and cities and schools, and I think that's why I value it so much; it's not man-made. 

I have goals for my future and a strong drive to achieve them, but I know that no matter how successful I am in my work, I will not feel entirely successful without people to share it with. 

I think I'm making a (temporary?) switch from coffee to tea. I figure that I like the taste of unsweetened tea and its way better for you than coffee and has literally 0 calories. I wonder how long this will last. I also just had Cinnamon Toast Crunch with banana and it was so good.

I'm going to the Christmas tree lighting later. I love Christmas. 

On the car ride home I realized that I used to be one of those people who ignored the bad in things. Now I'm one of those people who ignores the good. I don't wanna fucking be either one. 

Also I related to those two movies so much its ridiculous. Despite their humor, Role Models and Zack and Miri have cute stories. 

And seeing that girl today was one of the shittiest things that has happened in a really long time... and it IS a big deal. It sucked. Things that suck for me and make me upset ARE a big deal. 

aesldcjkf;aewdklcjsfvm,s;ldckgjv my brain is nonstop and even if i can keep my feelings in check better my brain still doesn't stop and i just want A BREAK

Remember when you made me that nice CD?

I am so back and forth it's retarded. 

I think it really sucks that I don't want to talk to my friends about my present "romantic situation" (for lack of a better term) because I just feel like they will get mad, or judge me, or judge the situation, or talk shit, or repeat some biased version of whatever I say. That doesn't really apply to everyone, but it does to some. It's not really about "caring what other people think." It's about caring what my friends think and expecting them to know better than to just pass some stupid judgement. Oh well. 

But then again maybe they are right. I guess someone will be proved wrong in time. 

On another note, I feel like I have completely emerged from the sadness cave. No major changes have occurred in my life, other than my dawgie dying (RIP Tucker :[... ), but I feel great nonetheless. I'm finally no longer living for the future, but instead for the present. I can enjoy every day and find peace in my time alone. 

The cold air is absolutely terrible but the smell of winter and the holiday season make it somewhat bearable. I have an entire different appreciation for hot coffee in the winter time... especially with French Vanilla creamer. I am looking forward to making Thanksgiving dinner and sangria at Pratt on Saturday. I am looking forward to going home on Tuesday and spending (a little) time with my favorite friends. I am not looking forward to the 5 page paper, 500-word spanish composition, and extra credit presentation I need to completely before that. 

Speaking of the cold air, I need boots and a winter jacket. This coat isn't cutting it. 

Monday: 

12:30-1:45 - Personality Lecture

2:00-3:15 - Spanish

4:55-6:10 - Perception Lecture

Tuesday:

12:30-1:45 - Developmental Theory & Human Motivation

2:00-3:15 - Spanish

Wednesday:

11:00-12:15 - Personality Recitation

12:30-1:45 - Personality Lecture

3:30-4:45 - Perception Recitation

4:55-6:10 - Perception Lecture

Thursday:

(Same as Tuesday)

Friday:

No Class :)

I'm so pleased with my schedule for next semester. 

At approximately 1:15 am, I walked downstairs for ONE MINUTE. When I left, the bolt for the door was opened so the door couldn't close, and therefore, it couldn't lock, so I didn't bring my keys. When I returned a fucking MINUTE LATER, my roommate was gone, and she locked the door. Great. Apparently, they only do lockouts at 12, 2, 4, and 6. So I slammed on the door for the next 45 minutes and waited, and at 2 I went downstairs, paid 20 dollars, and got let back into my room. At 2:04 my roommate just walked into the room.

What the fuck. 

In early July I felt like I slipped down into a deep, dark, uncomfortable cave. I felt like I couldn't see out of it, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not climb back out. Sometimes I would start to make my way out, but the smallest little thing would send me sliding right back down to the bottom. For the first time today, I feel like I actually am stepping out of it. There's no longer this dark, sad feeling weighing me down. I no longer fear being alone. I don't fear the future (as much), and I'm excited. I'm excited to see what happens. I'm excited about my major and the career path that I am shaping. I'm excited to go abroad next year and see a whole new world. Not much has changed, but I feel differently. It doesn't hurt to miss you anymore. It's a nice feeling now. Our situation hasn't changed... at all, but there are little things that remind me that, at the same time, it's changing a lot. Things are looking up for the first time in so long. I am able to find the good as opposed to the bad, and I just finally feel like I'm the "high school Ally" again. LJ said that to me the other day, and it was like a giant reality check. I was being a weirdo and she was like "this is like high school Ally again." I want to be happy and goofy and silly and understanding and carefree. I'm letting go of the cynicism and the negativity and the worry. I've never been like this, and I refuse to stay like this any longer. I finally feel strong enough to decide to change. It's a choice, you know, and I finally am in the position to make that choice and stick to it. 

This weekend it's just Laura and I, and, for whatever reason, I'm really looking forward to it. 

Edit: 

I feel productive. I slept late, showered, went to class, got my fav coffee, came back, caught up on spanish homework, cleaned my room, and cleaned all the dishes in the sink. My dad is giving me a few dollaz to go get food and shaving cream and coffee for the french press my mom sent me because I have no moniez. Laura's coming over after she's done at the museum. Lalalalalala

apparently life is a battle. every little thing is a challenge. some are more difficult than others. some leave deeper scars than others, but either way, every morning, every day, every night, every week, every month, and every year we are challenged. we're all still here, though, aren't we? we all fear and fight death to stay here, on earth, facing every new challenge. so obviously there is more good than bad. i guess the trick is to find happiness in nothing... in getting free Monster on the way to class, or in a funny text, or looking forward to gossip girl at 8 pm. gossip girl got me through my day today (sadly). for whatever reason, i love the show, and it helped me through my whole day. thinking about getting a deeelicious, warm Mud coffee on the way to class gets me out of bed early in the morning. lunch with my dad and maybe going home for a night on friday will get me through my week. the thought of being with all my best friends thanksgiving break will get me through the next two weeks. whatever it is that makes you happy, find it! make a big deal out of nothing! stop caring what everyone else thinks and be happy. life is way too short and unpredictable to wait until tomorrow to do what makes you happy.

every day when i walk home from class i see so many people and i wonder what their story is. i look at the homeless men on the sidewalk and the couples holding hands and the business women in skirts and heels and the happy girl behind the counter in the asian convenience store and the girl who sells me coffee and girl yelling into her cell phone and the kid carrying his film equipment and the young children on the way home from school and the girl on her sidekick and the public safety men where i sign joey and lj in and the kid screaming in the car window at the man who just hit his friend on his skateboard and the man who sells me nose rings and i wonder if they are happy. i wonder how they got where they are. i wonder if they are looking forward to something or if they are worried about something or where they are going. how did the old man end up homeless and living on astor? does the business woman like her job? how did she end up with the job she has? is the couple holding hands happy? are they married? engaged? are they in love? do they fight a lot? are they about to break up? is one of them hiding something from the other? what is their story? how did the girl who sells me coffee get the job on the mud truck? does she have class later? does she live on her own? every single person has their own life, and it's strange that any day two of these lives can intersect and be changed forever. it's even stranger that these people have gotten to where they are through many different cross roads and by finding themselves at intersections with so many other people. does the man who sells me nose rings and argues with kids over the price of a scarf make enough money to support his family? everyone has a story. i don't know if this makes me nosy or curious or compassionate but i do it. and i like doing it. maybe it makes me perfect for the future i'm pursing. i don't just wonder about these people's lives. sometimes i wonder if i could ever make it better. i wonder if i could be their friend or if they could be my friend. there are so many different paths, especially in a city like new york, and you never know what could happen when two paths cross.