while i'm alive, i'll feel alive
and what's next?
i guess i'll know when i've
gotten there

the thing we need is never all that hard to find

big (exciting) changes

and a new, livelier ally coming soon.

i shouldn't be going to nyu this isn't right

I have never known anyone who gives as much meaning to the expression "I am my own worst enemy" than myself. My dad even pointed out the other day that I have clearly defined expectations of people and situations and when they are violated, I react very strongly. I mean, in my own defense, I hold myself to these very same expectations (and they are very high). But why can't I realize that even I struggle to please myself. How can I expect other people to live up to the same expectations that I constantly struggle to reach myself? And I will say, I react just as strongly when I fail to meet my own standards as I do when others violate my expectations. It's just different because it's all on the inside. It's not some harsh comment or a week of complaining, it's an ongoing inner struggle. I'm always thinking of the reasons why something isn't good enough, and never appreciating it for what it is; I never, EVER see the cup half full. I look at my bank account and calculate how much money I've spent, not how much I've saved. I dwell the grades that could have been better instead of being proud of the As. I think this is the reason for so much of my unhappiness. I don't mean to say that I am unhappy, but I waste far too much time worrying and not nearly enough doing what I want to do and loving the time I have to do it. It's like I'm happy for five minutes, and then once that's over I'm back to trying to predict the future and direct reality towards the most desirable outcome (this is a fruitless endeavor). It is what it is. I'm never going to be able to control the outcome of a situation. I don't have that power. So instead of focusing so much on what I WANT to happen, I need to live while I can, do whatever I want to do, and deal with the outcome when it happens. Most of the time when my expectations are violated, it's not even a big deal. Hell, sometimes it even works out to my advantage, but I am so busy focusing on my lack of control and disappointment that I don't see it until it's too late. I'm always fucking replaying the past or worrying about the future. I'm done living like that. It has never brought about any positive outcome, and it never will.

I'm never going to learn to love and live my life until I bring myself back into the present.

happiness not real unless shared

"You know what I don't understand? I don't understand why people, why every fucking person, is so bad to each other so fucking often. It doesn't make sense to me - judgment, control, all that... the whole spectrum."

those two things being: 1. the supernatural, and 2. uncontrollable, overpowering, life-altering, irrevocable love

In a way, I live for these things. But that doesn't mean I fully believe in the reality of them either. Maybe it's only the impossible presence of the first that can allow for the existence of the second. I still dream anyway.

reality?

I can't get over how much I love this book. It's two of the things in this world that I am most intrigued and infatuated by in one. It is my own personal fantasy.

Too much emphasis on the gender of the person and not enough on the value of the friendship that he or she offers. I thought that shit ended in middle school or at least high school.

Tough times never last, but tough people do.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
One final down (which I def did well on) and two to go. 8 am and 10 pm on Friday.
Then summer :D

favorite

i roll the window down
and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road
and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.
then looking upwards
i strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.
"do they collide?"
i ask and you smile.
with my feet on the dash
the world doesn't matter.

when you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
when you need directions then i'll be the guide
for all time.
for all time.

There is definitely a direct correlation between how much I laugh each day and how happy I am in my life, and I have been laughing so much lately.

in the last two days i
~watched american beauty
~wrote a paper on it
~did an extra credit assignment
~did spanish hw
~picked housing for next year
~registered for classes for next semester
~caught up on my personality project

stress is slowly melting away

Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.

This break was a tease and made me want summer so much more. I loved hanging out with everyone and I can't wait for the next three and a half weeks to be done so I can relax and enjoy summertime with a lot of people that I love. Then this morning I woke up to a train ticket, a metrocard, and a check for my ticket waiting for me on the kitchen counter. My parents are very generous.
:)

i feel so



weighed




























down

IM HAVING A HARD TIME WITH LIFE AND I HAVE NO SUPPORT.
none.

:(

a day at a time

"Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does."

me duele el corazón

WHO IS MY FRIEND????? i mean FRIEND like cares about me selflessly and MY best interests. i can name a few but others only think of themselves.

i would like to be SURROUNDED by new people to talk to and discover and learn from. i want new people with new experiences and knew wisdom to bring to the table. i want to grow into a better person with the help of new influences.

i want to get the thoughts out of my brain but i can't find the words to do so. i just feel so optimistic and i'm not used to it. the pessimistic part of me that i have pushed all the way to the back of my mind is trying to scream at me to stop being so positive but i'm tuning it out. the way i was never made me happy, so i'm trying something new. don't give me a reason to regret this.

today i woke up late and then found out i did bad on the test i thought i did great on... then i went to a meeting about pre-health (courses that you need for medical school) and basically got told my gpa wasn't great (3.35? whatEVER) and im going to be in school til i die. even if i start now im still going to be taking classes after i graduate and i think it will prevent me from going abroad so fuck that. maybe ill go to a masters program and get a job and then take classes and go to med school. or maybe ill be poor for my whole life and never accomplish anything.

now i have to go study and take a midterm which ill probably just do bad on anyway AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

FUCK i wanna go home

i rewatched twilight and i noticed some more really cool things like some sort of vegetarian thing going on throughout the movie (watch carefully) and appreciated it more

its 5 am i'm writing a paper that's not due til thursday

so i watched twilight last night and for anyone who knows me at all i would obviously love that movie.... except i don't know if i loved it or not. i mean i didn't read the book so i didn't know what to expect but i just felt like it skipped a lot of important details and was kind of rushed... which sucks because they don't even struggle to be together at all except for like 10 minutes of the movie in which they have a series of overly dramatic conversations until she discovers hes a vamp... then all the sudden theyre in love. it's cool though because the girl in it looks like she could be any girl that we go to school with... she's not this like super hot supermodel shes a normal pretty girl... who looks like she doesn't eat... but that's besides the point. the dude is obviously so hot but i feel like he isn't that great of an actor... i can't really tell if hes supposed to seem awkward because hes like technically 100 years old and the aged, wise type or if he just can't act. idk. sometimes everything was just too intense and over done.... :( i still am drawn to the idea and the story and it makes my heart melt haha im just sad because the movie didn't meet my expectations :( :( so i guess i'll read the book (which i will probably like more) and see all the other movies in hopes that they will be betterrererererer

nobody is dependable

FINALLY MY DREAM MOVIE

comes out on july 17th and i am so excited

i wanna be in this good mood foreverererer

Dear Roommate,
I can not stand living with you. I have tried for the last 6 or 7 weeks to find a way to like you... to find your redeeming qualities and to appreciate your quirks. I have found, however, that this is impossible. Every word you speak is for attention and I'm pretty sure my 14-year old sister has reached a maturity level worlds above you. You only love Jesus and God and the Bible because they are an excuse to keep you from being a huge slut because I know deep down you want to fuck everything that can walk. (It might be the cut out pictures of dudes with hearts around them hanging on your desk or the playboy bunny poster AND blanket that you own or your constant need to relate any topic back to sex that give this fact away...) BUT GUESS WHAT... abstinence isn't going to make God love you and make the royal gates to heaven open up to you because THAT IS A LOAD OF SHIT. And if it wasn't a load of shit, you still wouldn't be going to heaven because you are a fake, unappreciative little idiot. Your family doesn't have much money, as a lot of families don't, especially right now, and you are lucky enough to have received a huge scholarship to NYU -- a great school -- BUT APPARENTLY THAT MEANS NOTHING TO YOU. You told me that you have class 3 days a week at 9:30 and I haven't seen you get up before 11 in almost 3 weeks. WHAT THE FUCK? Also, if you have a class that you need to attend in order to keep your scholarship, YOU GO. You do not skip it for the first four weeks of school until your teacher calls you to "politely remind you" about the class. YOU FUCKING APPRECIATE AND CHERISH THE FACT THAT YOU ARE GOING TO THIS SCHOOL FOR FREE THAT THOUSANDS OF KIDS CANT AFFORD OR CAN'T GET INTO. Also, I can hear every single Britney Spears song that you play on your stupid fucking computer even though you're wearing headphones. I have no clue what volume you keep your shit on, but you need to turn it down... or stop wearing heaphones... because A. you're going to go deaf and B. that fact that you think that wearing headphones makes any difference at all drives me fucking crazy. Also, 45 minutes in the bathroom without the shower running is totally unnecessary. Lord knows what you're doing in there (because the Lord sees and knows all, of course) but its rude when you're living with 3 other people who like to pee and shower sometimes. Also, 45 minutes doing your makeup and another 45 minutes doing your hair is unnecessary when the finished product looks exactly the same as when you started. Don't talk to me in your baby voice anymore and don't ask me if I think that because you asked some kid you're obsessed with for a piece of paper that he now knows you're "into him." No... NO NO NO NO NO. You have a BEAUTIFUL singing voice so GET OFF YOUR COMPUTER, OUT OF THIS ROOM, AND INTO THE WORLD AND START GETTING NOTICED. STOP WASTING YOUR BRILLIANT TALENT. Stop burping and farting and gigging and trying to look cute and STOP telling me about the gross things you do like Febreezing socks instead of DOING YOUR LAUNDRY. I can't even talk to you like a normal human being because the only reason you talk is to hear yourself speak or to see how cute you can sound and it's impossible to have a conversation like that. Oh, and I heard you when you ran in the other room to tell Sloane that I was asleep? What's funny or great or entertaining about that? I fell asleep because I was tired, and for some reason it is a huge event? NO. STOP. She has a lot more tolerance for you than I do, but she does not think you're cute. And neither do her friends when you are lurking outside our door peering into their conversations trying to be noticed and get every ounce of attention possible. Now, I don't mean to sound so harsh. I really hope that you do accomplish all your dreams of becoming the next Britney Spears, or at least writing the songs for the next Britney Spears, because you really do have the talent (not the determination) to do so, but I pray for the poor fucking souls who have to accompany you on that journey because I can not even being to imagine the hell that you are going to put them through.
PEACE OUT,
ally

today i woke up at 8 and found that that nyu was like one of like three schools in the northeast with school today so i went to ci with lj and met a guy from montauk who owned a restaurant she always goes to and got on the train that was almost 40 minutes late. we got coffee in penn then ran to my room only to realize that my computer charger that costs 80$ to replace is broken yet again. by the time i fucked around with it long enough to be thoroughly frustrated i had to get ready so fast and run to class (unlike everyone else) where the projecter was broken and the special lecture that my ta was giving barely even happened so its a good thing they squeezed it in during today's winter storm. i went to some more classes and to conclude the day my teacher brought in a human brain and let us handle it if we wanted. i didn't. but i think only because i didn't want to wait on line.

i am so fully aware of everything going on around me to the point that its making me crazy. maybe i should learn to like smoking pot.

to do:
1. return to yoga after the last week of feeling a little sickly
2. rely on no one but myself for happiness
3. return to my old philosophy of loving everyone despite their flaws, i was always happier being friends with everyone instead of hating everyone
4. stop planning every day, week, month in advance
5. stop worrying altogether
6. stop giving a shit what anyone thinks
7. do something drastic

i'd like to get better cause thinking like this is torture!!

i'm so embarrassed of who i have been for the last year

you probably are right... most of my emotions are pretty extreme... i'm either ecstatic and elated and so in love with something or i hate it, can't stand it, despise it. it can be a bad a thing but i usually don't see it like that. i mean i'm trying to make myself realize that most things aren't worth getting so upset over and most of the time it isn't worth all of the negative energy to truly HATE something or someone, and it's easier to just go with the flow, but in terms of being passionate about things, i don't really think it's not a bad thing... and i don't do well with indifference. i like to know when people are happy and excited for something. i like when people demonstrate their affection. i really like notes and letters and pictures and random acts of kindness and i truly appreciate the small things. i like going out to breakfast and i like laying for hours with people who i care about just enjoying their company. i like the nights when i'm with my close friends drinking coffee and just talking. the parties are obviously so fun too, but they are different. 

but the point is when i invest myself in something i really invest it... 100%. i don't give half my effort to something. i try to give the best of myself to my jobs, to school, to my friendships, and to my relationships. i can be very sentimental and romantic and quite a dreamer. it can be dumb and unrealistic and pointless but its who i am and what i do.

i don't know. 

I think it's really awesome that Smithtown is becoming the heroin capitol of LI.  I look forward to discovering the next person who has decided to pick up the habit each and every day. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO SERIOUSLY STOP

this song is soo appropriate

oh baby, baby please 

i feel an urgent need to apologize.

i did a terrible thing in a terrible dream

and now i can't look you in the eye.

it started:

we were out on a date, and you turned and said "i gotta tell you something odd.

i know i said we'd get married, but i'm already married,"

and that's when you laughed so hard.

so i turned and swung,

i woke in a shock,

nails digging blood from the base of my palms.

its just that people are so fickle,

they fall in love at different angles,

and really i could lose you just as quickly as i've gotten you.

and that's the kind of thought that makes me nervous,

i'm worried if you'll really think i'm worth it

when the rush wears off and you're left with this busted person.

but if you tell me you will, i will do what i can to believe it.

so baby,

all these things that i've seen last night while asleep,

this morning they're messing with me,

and now i'm anxious as hell and looking for help;

something pleasant and painless,

some story to tell

with a through-line of calm that can stop me from being myself.

'cause all i think is how i want to be your fever

just to know i make you heated,

'cause i worry you might see me more like a blanket 

whose there for comfort and for cover

from the glare of former lovers,

all that passion that kissed you and bit you til you were devoured,

and i'd like to get better cause thinking like this is torture.

and if i can't stop it you'll get sick of bearing crosses,

and you'll jump to cut your losses.

you'll go get quarantined somewhere far from me

where it's much less dangerous.

but maybe if i wake up and quit dreaming

i can shake the shit i'm fearing

and maybe i can feel like i'm freaking out for no good reason.

i'll tell you what:

if there's a line i can cross, once i get there i'm not ever leaving. 

on a lighter note, i thought today was so awesome. me, joey, lj, and morgan went to trader joe's and got the ingredients for the best breakfast feast ever (which cost a fantastic 20$ total). we made whole wheat pancakes with raspberries, bananas, walnuts, and cinnamon and egg sandwiches with asiago cheese, chicken sausage, and these flawless whole wheat roll things. it was seriously the best breakfast i've ever eaten, and it was fun making it. i broke the no cheese rule but it was so worth it. 

:)

I'm emotionally needy. That's so fucking annoying.

I just submitted 3 applications for on-campus jobs. 

<3

I can touch my toes!! My back doesn't hurt when I stand for a long time!! YOGAAAAAAaaa

I am enjoying school/all my classes.

I wanna go abroad to Madrid next spring.

I went to yoga twice so far this week with Eldge, and it's awesome (aka I'm really feelin' it).

Additionally, I haven't been eating cheese or any form of white bread, and I've been getting soy milk instead of regular milk. I also want to avoid all really fake, processed foods. Hopefully over time this will have a nice effect. 

I've been having the most fucked up, weird, confusing dreams almost every night. I usually never remember even having dreams. 

My brains gotta CHILL. 

Wow

"I used to think that after you died you would get to see yourself through the eyes of everyone you had ever interacted with, and that depending on your behavior this could be heaven or hell."

-A girl's project on a website I stumbledupon

Okay...

~I'm back at school and 3/4 of my teachers are awesome... like really cool people. The fourth is a little cold but I have already started to figure out how I can slack in the class and still do well. I still have no friends, and it's impossible for me to work hard and do well unless I'm with people I love and have a nice balance between work and play :(

~I've already emailed a few people about jobs because I really need to be making money. I can't wait to have an income so I don't have to stress about money constantly.

~I miss my friends at Villanova but I do not miss the school.

~I have a roommate and it's almost like nothing is even different. She sits at her computer all day with her headphones. I wish she'd like... interact with me, but even when I try to be nice and talk she's just not interested. Nyla also said she saw her crying on the phone before and I walked in as one of her friends was obviously trying to cheer her up... I don't get it. I think I'm applying for a room change into a sophomore (appropriate) building... that'd be sweet.

~I will admit that I was having doubts, but things are better than they have ever been. Things are so good. I'm really happy.

~I'm tired all the time. I need to go to the doctor. 

Friday night Joey had a 70s party at his house.

Saturday night was the worst night... attempted to go out to dinner with my family and that exploded into WWIII... in public.

Sunday chilled at Joeys with everyone.

Monday played beer pong at Joeys.

Tuesday went on a date with Malora and ordered lots of Empire at Joey's then sat around with Mal & Dan. 

haha I guess that's what happens when someone's parents go away. 

I have been sleeping so much and chillin' all day. I feel lazy but it's definitely helping me get my shit back together. I'm getting a roommate when I get back to school. I have really high hopes for it helping this semester be better than last semester (socially and academically). 

I feel myself being pieced back together a little at a time. It's just strange because the pieces never go back together how they were before. You grow, you know? You change... and you have to learn how to keep it together while all the new pieces fall into place. Unfortunately, I think the only way to learn how to do that is to fall apart a few times. 

don't regret the done dirt there is no life plan set!!!!

mostly i'm sitting at my kitchen table eating grapefruit and drinking wild berry tea and i'm pretty content. i'm googling hippy so i can come up with some outfit for joey's later and i'm pissed that i spent so long protesting listening to the shins because i just enjoy them so much now. i want my sisters to be home from school plz. 

i have to ramble

when i try to think about why i am so insecure and upset and negative lately i think as far back as i can to a time when i can try to say it started and i remember both sitting at my computer and sitting on my couch feeling this numbing, paralyzing pain right after we broke up... a break up sucks and i now have a much greater respect for people who go through break ups after long-term relationships, but i should have never let it ruin almost 6 months of my life i should have kept my head up and strengthened my friendships and stayed happy i created a bad habit over those six months of seeking happiness in only one person and now that things are getting better and falling back into place that is really hurting me i miss my friendships and my happiness and my confidence and my positivity and i know that i need to regain that part of myself before i can ever even think about being in a healthy relationship i've always really hated when people are like "omg i want to just get away and go somewhere where i know no one" but i really, truly feel like that... like i don't want to leave everything i have behind i just need a change of scenery where i can grow back together and rediscover who i am on my own, without depending on anyone and then come back to where i am as a better version of myself... given that that isn't really possible right now, i guess this is going to be a little harder than expected... i guess my only plan is to go back to school, settle in, GET A JOB, concentrate on school work, see as many new things in new york city as possible, and meet as many new people as possible i really take my surroundings for granted at school i'm in possibly one of the most exciting cities in the world and i dont do anything about it i also want to start going to free yoga on st marks i will clear my mind and strengthen my body and feel so much better i've also been paying a lot of attention to food lately and what everything is made of and how it will affect my body and what i should and should not be feeding myself and i feel like once you really think about what is in food it becomes impossible to eat crap... the thought of putting fake, processed, man-made products into my body seems so wrong especially when there are so many better real alternatives... i don't know a little nerdy of me but part of being the better version of me not only requires mental reform but also physical reform 

basically, '08 was a pretty hard year for me. i transferred schools after becoming really comfortable with great friends at a school that is (unfortunately) totally not for me, i started a relationship that meant more to me than i ever expected and went through more ups and downs with it in one year than i ever though was possible, and i watched my family grow from a scattered mess into a real, close family. in the midst of all the shit that all of these changes entailed, i lost sight of all the good things in my life. i got very lazy with a lot of my friendships and my interests & i stopped believing in myself and started looking way too far into things. my new years resolution is to let go and stop trying to control the outcome of everything. i know that what is meant to be will find a way, and i want to be carefree and happy and enjoying myself despite any set backs that i may encounter. shit is going to happen, but happiness is a choice, and i am really done making excuses as to why i can't make the right choice. 

2008 really was a year of changes and reconstruction for me. i know it'll take at least most of this year for me to complete all of these changes that i've started, but i'm so excited (& scared) to see where i end up after it all.